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Exactly Like Me


(spoken) You know what I finally figured out? Why I've never been to an analyst. If there's something the matter, I hold nothing inside. I tell all of you. ALWAYS. So I thank you for that. Now, wait'll you hear this one. You know what my newest problem is? I mean, besides my name, which is still running rampant as you can see if you've looked at your tickets. Here's my latest one: it's my face. I don't know what happened, maybe it's the way I've cut my hair, or... I don't know... but recently, so many people have come up to me and they either know somebody, or they are related to somebody, or they are somebody who feel that they look just like me. Do you know how that can drive you crazy? I know it's happened to everybody out there. Now, it started with me, I was at a record session, and there was a violin player there; really nice, cute, he used to come over and we'd eat lunch together and discuss, y'know, the world over our tuna fish. And one day, he said to me, well you know what he said? He said, Lisa!

You won't believe it but I swear that it's true
I got a kid who looks exactly like you
And if you saw her, you would notice it too
She looks exactly like you

And so he carts her 'round to meet me, of course
I mention cart, because she looks like a horse
And her eyeballs bulge, she's a little bit bald
And bowed at the knee
Exactly like me!

(spoken) Now, wait. We shall now take the case of Fanny Lee Finster. And well, you may ask, who is? I will tell you, who is Fanny Lee-- Fanny Lee Finster is this girl who has been writing to me every single day of her life for like, the past month, right? And in every letter, she says the same thing.

You won't believe it, but to Liza, sit!
You got a double, an identical twin
Ah, I'm asked for autographs, I'm signing them too
I look exactly like you

(spoken) Now I get curious, right? So I decided the best thing to do would be to just call her and say hello. So I did, I said "hello, Fanny Lee, this is Liza." She said "LIZA! Thank god you called!" She said "I cannot TELL you what I've been going through! It's so boring! I can't even go out of my house anymore! I sit at home and watch daytime television! If I go out, they say aren't you having your (insert rambling mumbling here)" I said "Fanny Lee, cool it. Just, cool it. Look, if we really do look so much alike, I'd kinda like to meet ya, y'know? Do you think you could sneak out for an hour? One o'clock, Friday, Rumplemeier's?" She said, "Oh, perfect! I'm so glad finally somebody thought of a solution to this! Oh one more thing, Liza: how will I know you?"

At Rumplemeier's, I am munchin' my shrimp
In walks this girl who is an absolute blimp
And I dropped my bread when she smiled and said
"Hi, I'm Fanny Lee!"
"You're Fanny Lee? (giggling) oh, jesus!"
Exactly like me!

Well it's a sorrow and a pity
When you know you aren't pretty
But it really can upset you quite a bit
When all the ladies who assemble
You supposedly resemble
Look like something from the bottom of a pit

It doesn't strike me as terrific
But the fact is scientific
I'm never gonna be the form divine, and yet
It hurts me quite a little
The descriptions I can fit'll
Also fit the lovely bride of Frankenstein

You kiss your private life goodbye
When you're in the public eye
And it's a fact I'm not exactly Sadie Glutz
But must each woman go and type
Who says that I'm her look-a-like
Look like enough to drive me absolutely nuts
With a swollen cheek
And a weird physique
And an eye that strays
And a chin for days...
Why must they agree
They look exactly like me?!

But I have a dream!
One wonderful dream!
I'm only longin' for that wonderful day
Whoa-oh-oh when Raquel Welch's mother writes me to say
You won't believe it, but I swear that it's true
I've got a daughter...
And little Rackie
This may sound wacky
But she's exacky
Honey, I mean all over!
Like you!